Traumatized Trump-Haters Turn to "Professional Cuddling" Adult babies are destroying America. ...


Just when you think the left has reached peak crazy, you discover there’s no peak. Just crazy.….

The reasons one seeks out a professional cuddling experience range from average adults seeking connection… The elephant in the room during some of these sessions, though, is the current state of the country’s affairs. Since November – and the election of Donald Trump – professional cuddling services have seen a spike in client interest.

“The holiday season was the first time that since Trump won the election that a lot of people were seeing their family,” says Adam Lippin, co-founder and CEO of Cuddlist, which provides training services to professional cuddlers and allows clients to search listings of “Cuddlists” nearby. “People with different political views were going to be in the same place with relatives. That was the first hit of people having to confront it in a significant way. We saw an uptick around that.”

Yes, before your idiot liberal cousin argues with you, he/she/it heads in for some professional cuddling. It’s okay to laugh and/or despair. Adult babies are destroying America.

But what makes the organized effort of being held, a service that comes with a cost (Cuddlist sessions go for $80 an hour), something that aids in relieving the fear and discomfort that has come with Trump’s presidency?

If you guessed that this is happening in California, you’re correct. Bonus points for guessing where in Cali

Since the election, Cuddle Sanctuary has seen 252 new clients beginning as early as the day following the election. The usual Wednesday night cuddle workshop following the decision was dubbed “Election Detox.”

Why yes, leftists are basically emotionally immature children. And mentally unstable. Yet they insist on running everyone else’s lives. Before they head off to be professionally cuddled.

To be considered a certified Cuddlist, one must enroll in an online course, attend a Cuddle Party group session and pass a video or in-person evaluation.

Or send $9.95 in for some sea monkeys. But countdown until colleges offer optional professional cuddling, followed by mandatory professional cuddling. Followed by making it a hate crime.

> Marcia Baczynski, co-founder of Cuddle Party, has seen her already established clientele base reacting to the election. Many of them, she says, feel triggered by Trump’s actions, history of sexual abuse allegations and manipulative behaviors.

How did I know “triggered” would come in there somewhere.

“The work is actually political now,” Baczynski says. “It used to be the case that you talked about cuddle parties because these are important skills for life – everyone’s navigating boundaries. And now we need to have boundaries with our government. How the fuck do you do that? How do you conceptualize having a leader who is essentially an abusive asshole?”

You know, I’m feeling pretty good about the upcoming civil war.

Coal miners, ranchers, farmers and cops vs… cuddlers.

Three days after the election, Anastasia Allington, a professional cuddler in Austin, Texas, had a session with a client who was bereft and frequently broke into tears. Another scheduled a cuddle session on Election Day in order to alleviate the anxiety he was already experiencing around the campaign.

So far we’ve covered Los Angeles, Portland and Austin. But at least a leftist agenda is emerging. A New Deal. A tofu chicken in every pot and two cuddles for every mentally immature leftist.

At times, the cuddle party Wyatt leads in Venice turns silent. Along one wall, participants sit stacked snugly in between another person’s legs, one person using another’s body as a support pillow; in the middle of the room is a spooning train; others sit side-by-side coloring. Just as touch is optional, so is speaking.

So is adulthood.


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